can you see me now?
♥
do you have something to say?
0 whispers ♥
Due to the sudden realization that I have wasted six months worth of studying doing absolutely nothing that is either beneficial or long-lasting for my future...I have decided to put on hold any potential updates for this blog until further notice. SO LONGG!!!!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
♥
do you have something to say?
0 whispers ♥
♥
do you have something to say?
0 whispers ♥
♥
do you have something to say?
0 whispers ♥
♥
do you have something to say?
1 whispers ♥
It looks like my kind of movie.
I have been interested in Zoey Deschanel since "The Hitchiker's Guide to The Galaxy".
Haven't watched "Happy Go Lucky" until now. Saddened :(
Attempt #1
4:04 PMI am posting something just for the sake of posting
Sunday, July 5, 2009
love(d) letter
1:50 AMan expired old love letter. recovered from an almost forgotten folder.
it’s excruciatingly painful for me to keep all these bottled feelings and not be able to tell you how i feel. these past few months i miss you so much it hurts to think that i feel that many of our conversations were filled with suppression from my part. i was always holding back. i want you to think of me in a certain way, an ideal way, sometimes too fairy-tale-ish a way. because i wanted to believe that what we had was simply *sigh* written in the stars. i wanted you to think of me as incomparable, special, different from all your loves before. i still do. perhaps this is an obsession, my obsession to be the most dearest to you.but you have to admit.we were special.i was the complete opposite of your ideal girl, and thats what made you fell for me in the first place.thats what made me special to you.compared to her who was a friggin model, and know how to get to every guy's heart, my clumsiness and brazenness must've been a real breather for you, a break from the perfect world where you used to live with all the girls who were head-over-heels for you.
what happened then? well it seems to me that ideally, we’re ideal for each other in our own perfect little worlds. but the very moment we become ourselves at our darkest, we resent. we reject. we have our own idealized visions of each other. have they not been the many reasons why we get mad at each other? we’re angry at each other for being real, imperfect. for being upset and cold and distant and moody. for being insensitive and unresponsive.we get bored. we were tired, I was tired. first time we had our 'big' fight, it was bad luck.you were mad that i found out, you were mad that i was unhappy. you were mad at yourself for failing to sweep the past under the rug, the fact that YOU succeeded in causing me of my unhappiness, and your silly assumption that you've tainted the picture of you in my eyes.and you turned to hate me for that.
what you didn't know was that in my eyes, you will never be tainted.instead, it was my ego.so the years follow, and as we stood by each other, it was my ego who kept me from taking your hand. i was afraid. was hurt. was disillusioned. and thats why i took another guy's hand when you were reaching yours out to me.
what i didn't know was that you have a bigger ego than me. you were shocked.disbelieved.and you made a silent promise to yourself not to ever even think about grabbing my hand.who was I anyway? a silly girl who is not even worth it. and who were you? why should you, mind me, the major heart-throb of our school, go through so much hassle in chasing one girl when all the other girls are flaunting and offering you their hearts for free?
what surprised us both was that we both stayed.by each other's side.we walked together.but we're not really together.
i loved you, there is absolutely no doubt about that. the idea of you, with me, is my only self-interest. i wish i can say the same about you, about me, but. i doubt. i’m proud of you, in many ways; i’m disappointed in you, in many ways.i feel vulnerable around you and don’t want to feel vulnerable around you. i trusted you so much to be able to handle my raw emotions, based on the amount of information you’ve stored from our conversations for all these years that we have known each other that the very thing i neglected was to understand your very own emotions.
perhaps we’re meant to be together, just so that we can teach each other the potential extent our true happiness can reach. perhaps we’re meant to push each other to bigger heights, and then let go. be free. from the boxes we’ve put ourselves into.
but my heart still feels the world for you. it lives in the memories of you.
this is part of what i mean when i say i love you.
then again, perhaps, it’s a matter of finding out what happily ever after truly means, to me.
to us.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Introduction
9:05 PMHaii bagi siapa ajah yang sedang membaca ini. Akhirnya, setelah delay lebih dari 2 tahun, (dari sejak gw bikin domain nama blog ini) gw punya cukup inspirasi dan dorongan buat ngepost at least satu intro buat blog ini. Berhubung gw lagi dikarantina, di sebuah kamar yg ruang geraknya ga lebih dari 3m x 3m, dan aircon yang cuma berguna buat jadi pajangan, I figured that I could use my free time (bebas dari hongkong, hrsnya gwe blajar buat MYE skrg tidakkkk) dan extra calories and energy (pagi siang malem dikasih makan tapi total displacement gw dalam sehari ampir 0 m, paling jauh cuma dari ranjang ke kamar mandi) at least to bring this almost non-existent blog to life again. Dan pertama2...gw pgn minta maav sama beberapa orang yang dulu berhasil gw tipu klo blog gw ada triknya!!! hahahahha. Benernya blog gw waktu itu tuh emang kosong melompong, sama skali ga ada apa2nya, and kalian sama sekali ga perlu trik buat ngeliat isi postingan gw, kenapa? Karena emg blom ada post satu pun :P hahaha. Sekali lagi gw minta maav dari lubuk hati yg terdalam, karena sudah membuat kalian menghabiskan hours (sampe berjam2kah??) memeras otak, nge-click2 background blog gw (bintang kecil kerlap kerlip yang menghias angkasa) dengan frantic, dan nanya2 kesel ke gw, 'Rahasia buka blog lo apa sih?? kasih tao kasih tao kasih tao!!'
Hmmmm sebelum gw mulai membabi buta mengepost all my daily ramblings, non-sensical thoughts, and fairy-tale like stories, it is only appropriate that I firstly 'introduce' my blog to you..(btw pertanyaan2 dibawah ini gw kind of copy paste dari blog temen gw hehehe abis males mikir sendiri)
1. Kenapa gw bikin blog?
Pernah ga sih lo come across moments when a great, brilliant idea just pops out of nowhere? And you have no pen or paper nearby to jot it down? Kalau ini terjadi ke gw, biasanya alat yang gw gunakan buat mencatat adalah hape tercinta hehe. Tapi mengingat folder draft gw udah mulai penuh dengan notes-notes seperti itu (berantakan abis lagi, da ga ada tanggal pas ditulisnya) maybe it's about time that I try to be more organized (attempt yang udah dicoba selama 18 taon tapi gagal trus) and start filing all my thoughts in an orderly fashion. Kalau dipikir2, ga ada yang lebih bagus dari sebuah blog buat melakukan hal itu, ya kan?
2. Kenapa namanya Dirty Makeup?
Kenapa oh kenapa...itu sebenernya judul puisi yang gw buat pas gw masih SMP. Maunya sih dipost di sini tapi bahkan gw uda lupa dimana gw simpen folder puisi gw itu, berhubung laptop gw tersayang ini tuh udah lagi sekarat and smua folder2 lama gw udah gw ungsikan ke external hard disk gw. Maklum org seperti saya kalau udah lagi mindahin folder tuh copy paste nya ngasal abis, soalnya prinsip nya :
"asal pindah udah selamat, ga terorganisir peduli amat"
(wkwkwk I can't believe I came up with this line on the spot) Jadii...secarik puisi gw itu masih ada, terkubur di antara tumpukan2 lagu, gambar2 McFly and TokioHotel and Johnny Depp, dan game2 ga jelas yang gw dapet dari Ivan. Maybe in the future I can post it here on this blog, just maybe :D
3. Kenapa gw milih skin ini?
OMG don't you just love this skin?? :DD Orang yang pernah liat skin gw yang dulu pasti ngeliat kesamaan dari before and after nya. Sama-sama biru. Sama-sama soothing. And sama2 ada aura malam gtu. I think it got something to do with my innate attraction to everything 'Yin'.
4. Apa maksud kata-kata di atas?
Ga ada hubungan ama gw sih, soalnya kan itu emang udah dari sono. Tapi klo mo maksa and ngasih link antara kata2 itu dan gw, maybe karena hal yang gw suka lakuin klo lagi ga ada kerjaan is to gaze at the stars. So, Underneath the Stars would be my favourite spot to spend time, something like a sanctuary for me, which is what this blog is supposed to be!
5. Kenapa gw harus pasang lagu-lagu ga jelas di background?
Since this blog is supposed to be my favourite spot, why not play some of my favourite songs as well? :D Satu lagu yg gw lagi suka banget tuh The Cardigan-For What It's Worth, karena well ada memory nya deh hehe. Music videonya juga gw suka, there's something really sweet about it, although most people will just straightforwardly label it as tragic :(
Well, cukup untuk post pertama. Waktunya untuk tidur!!
P.S : kalau mo liat videonya, jangan lupa pause music playernya dulu, klo ga bakal dobel suaranya haha.